Incompatible Words

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Words are our everything

Joy

Sadness

Emotional expressions

My understanding of you and us.

But when there are no words what am I left with?

The silence of indescribable circumstances

Situations of incompatibility

Distance…

Long breathes of frustration and uncertainty

Reaching for words to filter the unspoken

Washed down and drowned in tears.

My fears are

Losing the known and liking the unknown

Gaining memories without,

Maintaining life and laughter after

Letting go and moving on

So far gone…

From us are the words that cannot be found

Miming to a rehearsed tune

A battle to the death in finding matched thoughts and opinions

Just to end in heartache and confusion.

How can I understand what your feeling

Empathize with sincere healing

Speak to me words

I need you,

He needs you,

Together we need them.

Yet in the end, our backs turn

Our heads are down

Nothing to say, nothing to tell

Your steps protrude one way, mine the other

Silence is all that is left to speak this story…

~Nikki_Elle~

The “Gangsta” vs. The “Gentleman”

The results are in: Good guys do NOT always finish last…

I meet this guy once—nice looking, decent job. He opened doors, complimented my appearance and checked in on me periodically throughout the day. Then one day he told me about his past. He said he used to hang in the streets, heading down the wrong path. And although he still had a lot of connections, he does not participate in the gangbanging and street-hanging lifestyle anymore. Ultimately, he said it came down to the battle of self: the gangster verses the gentleman. “I choose the gentleman,” he told me. “I got myself a legit job and started taking responsibility.”

Needless to say, I am no longer dating this guy. Not because of his past. It just did not work out (that’s the dating game). But on with the point.

The guy had transformed himself. But which self were females more attracted to?

The general perception is that most younger females, (adolescents), tend to like street boys—the thug/gangster type. But once they’ve enter into their 20s and 30s is this still the case? As a young 24-year-old woman, my inclination would say probably NOT. But I decided to ask around anyway.  I turned to my inner circle of girlfriends for clarity.

One of my friends, Ashley, (24), described it best, “I think most of us were never really into “real” gangstas, but those who look and act hyper-masculine. The looking and acting hard thing is definitely appealing. But for me, that wore off quickly because I always wanted more of a connection, which was an issue with the gangstas. I still do love a man that is physically masculine looking, but now I look for other qualities. I love a man who is well spoken, has goals and aspirations. He is in charge on the job, secure and shows signs of being able to commit and provide. He can be gentle and giving, and willingly to show his feelings. Men like this don’t need to dick swag. They are already men.”

My other girlfriends, along with myself, all agreed.  Now, in our early and mid-20s we no longer want just “tough.” We want someone we can see ourselves raising a family with, even if we are not ready to marry, (I am definitely not at that point yet). We look for someone who will provide and tend to our emotional and physical needs. Our overall motive for this: to eliminate all possible drama and baggage in our lives. The good guys equate drama free life.

The guy mentioned above showed promise for all of this. The tad bit of street he still possessed made him even more appealing. He also said that along with his transformation, came a change in mindset when it comes to women. He no longer looks for the girl who will just show him a good time. He said he now dates women who are secure with themselves, goal orientated and loyal. “You know the wifey type,” he told me.

————————————–

Here are what a few of my other girlfriends had to say on the matter:

“When I had my daughter and graduated from school I wanted someone who was goal orientated, respectful to all and who would benefit me and mine in a positive way. I didn’t want someone who would keep me from prospering in life. A man doesn’t make you he compliments you.” –Stephanie, 23

“Despite who I’ve dated in the past, gentlemen have always been my preference. They tend to have more goals. Whereas gangstas mainly work toward more money.” –Wendie, 24

“In high school I liked the gangster type. But as I’ve gotten older I prefer a combination of the two. Gangsters are too much trouble. But I can’t be with a punk neither.” –Kamille, 26

“A gentleman but not a pushover has always been my type, but you can’t control who you end up with. My boyfriend is the gangster-gentleman type.” –Wynica, 27

“I used to like the gangsta type because I could keep up! But I realized that there is nothing wrong with a gentleman. However, I would prefer a mixture of both. Someone who is considerate, as well as willing to ride for me thru any situation.” –Kendra, 24.

Reality Show Singles out “Real Big” Problem in Black Families

Meet the Cole Family–an African-American family from North Carolina who recently gained their own reality show on TLC network.

The show is called “One big happy family.” The title sounds uplifting, (finally a show that depicts the positive aspects of the Black family structure). But it does not. The show highlights a major problem and concern in Black Families—obesity, and documents the Coles struggle with losing weight and their path to live a healthier lifestyle.

It has also generated much criticism from viewers and black commentators, calling “One Big Happy Family” buffoonery.  The Coles have even been tagged as the real life version of Eddie Murphy’s “The Klumps.”

The problem with the show is not the concept, but rather its approach. Unlike other reality weight loss programs like “The Biggest Loser,” the family opted not to have any outside help from professional trainers and nutritionists. The mother was quoted saying, “We want to do this all on our own.”

The morbidly obese family of four had a total combined weight of 1,377 pounds. The mother, Tameka Cole, weighed in at 380 lbs, her husband tipped in at 340 lbs. The more disturbing numbers were of the children, sixteen-year-old Amber weighed 348 lbs and her fourteen-year-old brother Shayne was 308 lbs.

Obesity is most common in Black communities, with African-American women having the highest rates of being overweight.  With that said, my heart goes out to this family, especially the children.  At age 14 and 16, life should not be a battle of potential long-term health issues and possible social isolation. What the Cole Family needs is for someone to be there step by step during the process; a professional who can educate them on nutrition and exercise. Yet, when you watch the show you see the family eating a voracious amount of pancakes, then going for a short distance jog to the park, ending with the entire family indulging in an ice-cream funnel cake.

With bad habits still surfacing, I question just how determined the Coles “really” are to lose weigh. Or is this just an attempt to make money and have five minutes of fame?  What person, (if giving the opportunity), would pass down the chance to have celebrity trainers whip their butts into the best shape of their lives? Nevertheless, the Coles said they are pleased with how they were portrayed and how TLC handled the productions. I say, get your hand out of the cookie jar and start making decisions to save your life.

Nikki~Elle

An encouraging text, from an encouraging Black woman

This text was sent to me by a dear friend. It reads:

“Someone will always be prettier. Someone will always be smarter. Some of their homes will be bigger. Some will drive a better car. Their children will do better in school. And their husband will fix more things around the house. so let it go, and love you and your circumstances. Think about it! The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart. The most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children. The richest woman you know, she’s got the car, the house, the clothes, but might be lonely. And the words says, if i have not love, i am nothing. So again, love you. Love who you are. Look in the mirror every morning, smile and says, “I am too Blessed to be Stressed and too anointed to be disappointed! Winners make things happen, losers let things happen. Be blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman. To the world you might be one person, to me you are special”

From the IPhone of ~Nikki_Elle

Pen Pal

Insomnia sleeps with me at night

Voices, concerns, images

Mirroring of past self

Premature ages, selfish acts

Wide ruled paper holds these confessions.

I wrote to you then

And I write to you now

My pen pal—divine intervention pal pen

You are…

Sketched words in black ink

Flowy cursive expressions of empathy

Creative openness and willingly

To comfort my Inadequacies

Future failures foreseen.

You see,

Thoughts I don’t want to express

Truths I yarn to compress

This pen of mine can’t control its openness

Tell me internal pen pal, pal pen self

Why haven’t you told those truths of mine/ours

How the daytime I –confident women intellect

Am not nighttime me—the whole package un-intact

My Dear internal pen pal,

Would you dare cross me if I continue this letter?

You loathing thoughtress

Manipulative wordtress

I battle with you

Because I trust you

Divine intervention Pal pen

You are…

Hours slipped into memorized discussion

Sealed, posted and stamped

Inside envelope’s vacant space

My thoughts crawl

To you

And only you

Sincerely,

Pal pen self

Breast Cancer: What Young Black Women Should Know

As an African American woman, I am aware that statistically I am at a disproportionate rate when it comes to just about all health risks. Yet, I was surprised to find that at age 23, I am more likely to get breast cancer than my 50-year-old mother.

In light of Breast Cancer Awareness month, the University of Chicago held a forum for young Black women.  The reason: according to the American Cancer Society, Black women under the age of 40 are more likely to get breast cancer than whites. More so, there are more than 250,000 women living in the United States today who were age 40 or under when they were diagnosed with breast cancer, according to statistics from the Young Survival Coalition.

These figures lead me to question why this is so?  Which by all means is a natural reaction.

In the article posted on CBS’s website covering the forum, several attendees asked the same question? One young lady was quoted saying, “I am struggling to figure out why is this the case…Is it the diet? Is it the environment? Is it stress? The fact that a lot of African-American women are single parents? That they grow up in neighborhoods where you have to be careful walking home?”

It’s sad to say but all of these factors play a major part.  Just as with many diseases, possible prevention tactics for breast cancer include-eating healthy, exercising regularly, controlling body weight, and getting screened regularly and early.

With that said, many black women are limited to such resources in their community. They may not have access to gym facilities, time or money it takes to maintain a healthy eating diet, or most importantly, adequate healthcare that will allow and motivate them to go for regular check ups.

But once again—why young black women? In researching this topic, I never quite got my answer. There were a lot of facts and figures, a lot of prevention methods, but no conclusive results. Best assumptive explanation would be the “tickle down” affect.  A young girl, growing up in a household where breast self-examinations are not discussed, or healthy lifestyle choices are not made for them, typically carries those influences into adulthood.

In Ebony’s October Women’s Health issue, I read that the primary focus for breast cancer has been prevention, detection and treatment of the disease for women 50 and older. “But in the African-American community, the disease can strike well before physicians and cancer advocate groups recommend that women get baseline mammograms [which is suggested at age 40].” Most of the time mother’s neglect to stress the importance of breast self-examinations to their young girls, because for so long breast cancer has been thought of as an older woman’s disease.

So awareness is key. Educating young woman, like myself, about breast cancer, presenting the facts and figures-that they are more susceptible to the disease, can definitely increase knowledge. Black women need to take control and become their own health advocate by knowing your bodies, going to visit the doctor regularly, and doing breast self-examinations.

Below are the key steps you need to know when performing breast self-examinations.

CHECK ONCE A MONTH. Young women (pre-menopausal) should choose a time two or three days after their period ends so their breasts are least likely to be tender, swollen or lumpy. Post-menopausal women should choose a date that’s easy to remember.

CHECK IN THE SHOWER. Raise your arm over your head. With your fingers flat, move them over your breast (including your armpit) in a circular motion. Use your left hand for your right breast and your right hand for your left breast.

CHECK IN FRONT OF A MIRROR. Lying down, women should check to see if the shape or contour of the breasts have changed. Also check to see if there is any swelling, dimpling of the skin, or changes in the skin or nipple. Gently squeeze the nipple to check for discharge. –Ebony Magazine, Women’s Health Section, October 2009,